Pregnancy with our little one was very different than the first time. I experienced a lot of cramping and bleeding, even before my first OB appointment. When I went in, I mentioned the bleeding and they scheduled an ultrasound right away. I was about 8-10 weeks along. Everything looked good. Heartbeat was good. So pregnancy went on. The bleeding stopped for awhile.
Around 13-14 weeks, I started bleeding again. I went to the ER and I was very afraid that I was miscarrying. I was given another ultrasound and the baby was fine. So I was sent home.
At our big ultrasound to determine the gender, we discovered that we were having another boy! Aaron James. After the ultrasound was finished we were told to stay in the room because we needed to have a consultation with the doctor. He came in and informed us that Aaron had a cyst on his brain, which could be a sign of Down syndrome. We of course were very afraid.
Again, pregnancy progressed normally until we went to visit my parents. I started bleeding again. We thought I might be miscarrying once again. But I laid down and rested, and the bleeding stopped. So, pregnancy continued.
On September 28, 2012, at 25 weeks along, I was scheduled for a check-up. My husband and I were actually in a fight and I was going to go to the doctor alone but, thankfully, we made up and he went with me. As we were sitting in the waiting room, I told him my back was hurting. I thought perhaps it was because we had to walk a long way from the parking garage, so I ignored it. I met with the nurse who asked me if I was in any pain and I told her about a 4 on the pain scale. We were taken back into the examination room and I went to use the bathroom and lo and behold, more blood. I began to panic. My back pain was ever increasing and I mentioned to my husband, Tyler, that I think I am in labor. He told me to calm down and that we would tell the doctor. When the doctor came in, my back pain was grower stronger rapidly. He examined me and told me that I was already dialated 2 cm. He wanted to admit me over night but my contractions were coming closer and closer together. I was getting very hot and queasy. I was in full-blown preterm labor.
They rushed me upstairs to Labor and Delivery but I couldn't even sit in the wheelchair. I was down on the floor in so much pain. There wasn't even time for me to check-in. I was taken into surgery for an emergency C-section. I kissed my husband goodbye as I was screaming in pain and in panic. They sedated me fully and when I woke up, I was in recovery, without a baby in my womb; without a baby in my arms.
Aaron James Brooks was born on September 28, 2012 at 12:03pm, weighing 2 pounds, 10.3 ounces and 15 inches long.
The next 28 days of his precious little life, were spent in the NICU, fighting hard each day. This was the most excruciating; devastating; painful; terrifying; frustrating and hopeful time of my life. A complete roller coaster ride. So many emotions soaring each second. Staying at the hospital till 1 or 2 in the morning every night. Pumping ever 2-3 hours. Phone calls waking you up in a complete panic, telling you to come down, this may be Aaron's last day. And then...he improves. But then he is drowning. The NICU experience kept me nauseous and worried every second. Aaron had surgery and ventilators, and needles, and x-rays and tubes and medicines. To see my child, helpless and in pain, and not being able to hold him or comfort him or help him, was just heartbreaking.
The day I first held Aaron was the day he went into Jesus' arms. It was the most precious time. And at 6:30pm, on October 26, 2012, my little one breathed his last.
It has been 15 months (at the time I am writing this) since I lost my little one from the world. Some days grief overtakes me. Some days darkness sets in. Deep sadness. Memories that will never be made. Breastmilk still in my freezer. Tiny carseat never to be rode in. Little clothes never snapped on. No diapers to change. Aching in my chest always.
Some days are normal. It is strange how the world goes back to living even if your whole world crumbles apart.
I have been angry at God a lot. And He gently reminds me, that He is angry too. He hates death. That is why He came to conquer it. He weeps with me. He rages with me. He holds me close and tells me, "I know." You see, in the midst of this deep sorrow, that I never thought I would experience, I have stood. Not by own self, but through Christ.
I love you Aaron James and I miss you terribly. I will see you once again.
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