Can I be honest for a moment? I am entering a sensitive subject matter and I want to tread through it with grace. I hope you do the same.
Here it goes: Baby #3 has been beckoning me. My heart has been longing deeply to try again.
I go through so many things over and over in my head, from practical to emotional. For example, March of Dimes says to wait 18 months after having a baby before you try again (it hasn't even been a year yet), I need to lose weight, I need a better doctor, I could go into preterm labor again, the baby might have to stay in the NICU for months or I could lose this baby too. The doubts and the questions keep coming.
Am I letting fear control me? I often tell my husband that regardless of how earthly things play out, God is still in control. I could do all things in my power to ensure a healthy pregnancy and I could still lose another baby. Or I could do all things great and I could have a healthy, full-term baby. It is a hard pill to swallow: that nothing I do truly has any factor. Granted, I am trying to do what I can to ensure a healthy pregnancy but still...ultimately, I am not in control. Man, that's so tough.
The same goes for my Aaron. I wanted with my whole being to save him and I could not. There was nothing I could do. Talk about a slap in the face.
I think what I have learned over the last year is that regardless of how I feel, God is still God. And He still loves me. Sin screwed it up. God didn't. God isn't the one to hate. He knows me. He made me! And He came to rescue me. What this earthly life holds for me, I don't know. But I trust in the fact that God will use the ugly or messy parts of my life that sin destroyed, for His glory. Because really, that why I'm here. To be used by Him; to be a lamp on a hill.
How do I deal with these deep stirrings and desires? Keep on waiting till He says go for it.
I am waiting and believing that there's still hope.
Grace and peace.
I know this is somewhat dancing around the subject matter of free-will vs. destiny. Let me say that I am all about free will. I know God has given me the choice to decide how I live my life. I'm just saying that when it comes to life or death, I ain't holding the key. Also, I feel like I need to say that just because I am wanting another baby does not mean I am trying replace Aaron. It is just like any other mother or woman, desiring to grow her family. Except my story has more baggage.
Hey there Tori...so glad that Tyler shared that you have a website. I remember when you were in West Lafayette, IN and I really do believe God is stirring your heart. I sincerely believe God has another child in store for Tyler and you. Pray and ask God to give you an answer. It may not be the answer you are looking for right this minute but I do believe God is a loving God that won't make you wait longer than 18 months. Are you healed both physically and mentally and are you ready for God to allow God to guide you thru your pregnancy the way He wants the pregnancy to go? I will be praying for you. Love all 3 of you and still love seeing pics of all of you.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I want to say, being honest is crucial in blogging. I love to read writers that aren't polishing their thoughts for the mainstream. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I don't really think that you have really approached the free-will/predestination argument with this post. So I wouldn't sweat too much about it. Christians know that God works out things for the good of those who love Him and keep His commandments (Rom 8:28). We may throw the dice but the Lord determines how they fall.(Prov 16:33) We make our plans, God determines our steps (Prov 16:9). We have free-will but as Christians we use it to submit ourselves to God and His divine knowledge.
Sin is still rampant in this world and carries over from our rebellion. It has its ruinous touch on everything trying to make a last ditch effort to thwart God, but He already has the victory and has already dealt with it in Jesus, for the past, present, and future. Peter says that every day Jesus doesn't come back is a day of salvation for unbelievers (2 Peter 3:15). While we unfortunately have to deal with sin, we should be rejoicing in every day God waits for the sake of people.
I can't comment on your worries about a baby because I do not see myself as an expert or someone that should be listened to in regards to advice in that area haha. Prayer is a powerful thing though. Remember that God is Father and we are all called to approach Him like one.
Blog looks good!
-Alex
Thank you for sharing, Torie. I feel like I am talking to you when I read your blog.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Aunt Carolyn
Hey Torie,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Satan loves to whisper in my ears "what if" all the time. What if you had done this? What if you had done that? As if I actually have control over such things as life and death. It's that same old temptation that he threw in Eve's face, "You can be like God." It took me a year to realize that I had been carrying around the guilt that I should have been able to somehow save Mr. Dave's life. You just got to sometimes yell "Shut Up!" to satan.
Our God is in control and it is actually kind of arrogant to think that He can't work His will without my assistance. I don't understand God's will, but I do know I can trust it. And so can you.
I Love You and just wanted to share. You have been on my heart more than you will ever know.
Love,
Miss Cindy
Torie,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I apologize... I'm just now getting around to visiting my fellow classmates from the Influence class taught by Alle. It was so good wasn't it?
Secondly... this post. Such raw honest and emotion here. Beautiful, really. I cannot say that I understand what you're going through because I haven't lost a little one. But, I firmly believe that a desire for children is never wrong. Plus, there are never "perfect conditions" for being pregnant and having another baby. There are always, always, always risks.
I have wanted a second baby for a long time now {like, three years} but have always used my weight as an excuse. But now, I figure I can go ahead and try to get pregnant and start the good habits {drinking water, exercising} now and continue them throughout the pregnancy. Technically, as an overweight woman, I shouldn't gain but 15-20 pounds this time.
All that to say: The only advice I can really give to bathe this decision in prayer, making sure that you and your husband are on the same page. Let God do the rest.
*Hugs* for you, my friend.